Of Flaming Wicker Men and Flaming Motorcycle
by AlmightyLordPhlebotium
Summary: I watched Wicker Man Starring Nicholas Cage, and ignored the bad acting due to the main character's horrible plight. This is my revenge fantasy on all of the horrible pagan women that used feminine charms, deceit and violence to enslave, betray and murder countless innocent men with noble intentions. Rated M to be safe.


"Not the bees! Not the bees! Aaahh, they're in my eyes!" Johnny Blase screamed as Sister Summerdale's people tortured him with insects. "Killing me won't bring back your fucking honey!" he shouted while he was raised into the Wicker Man by his ankles.

How could Willow do that to him? She used their daughter, Fern to lure him. The young girl ran up to her father's wooden prison with a burning torch in her hands. "No!NO NO NO! I'M YOUR DADDY, FERN! DON'T KILL ME!"

The girl ignored her father's pleas and threw the torch into the hay, before returning to her mother. Sisters Beech, Rose and Honey stared at the fire sadistically, chanting "Kill the drone! Kill the drone! Kill the Drone!" until the screaming stopped.

Sister Willow woke to some noise in her daughter's room. Quietly, she crept through the hall, ears straining to catch any sounds. She swore she could hear footsteps.

Willow went into her daughter's room and rummaged through the empty bed's blankets. "Fern? Fern, where are you?" Fear gripped her heart. Did someone take her little girl?

"Mother?" The lights turned on and the girl was standing at the door. "what is wrong?"

"Where did you go? I thought someone took you." Willow took Fern into a hug.

"Father gave me a ride on his motorcycle. The flames surrounding his skull, bare bones and motorcycle did not burn me."

"What are you talking about, child? You saw the flames consume his body. You even threw the torch yourself. You were just having a nightmare."

"It was no dream. He looked like him when he returned me. Said it was so the house will not burn, and he told me that he loves us, and we will be the last to face his penance stare."

"A what?"

"We will feel the pain of our sins when the lands of Sister Summersisle burn. "

Willow told Fern not to tell anyone about her dream and keep going to Sister Rose's school. A few hours later, Fern returned home.

"Why aren't you at school?"

"Mother!Mother! Sister Summersisle demands your attention!"

All the important women of the matriarchal neopagan society surrounded the corpse of Sister Rose. Or at least, what's left of it. Her charred skeleton lay slumped over her desk, the clothing miraculously undamaged, and the words "The Ghost Rider sends his warm greetings" scrawled on the blackboard in chalk.

"Everybody get into the castle!" Summersisle said urgently.

Willow was hugging Fern close to her.

"Everything will be fine. Nobody will hurt you. I will protect you sweetie." the mother mumbled in fear while her daughter sat calmly.

The castle was surrounded by a ring of totally expendable males, totally worthless. The matriarch's bed as surrounded by female virgins chanting prayers and burning incense.

A scrawny bearded man was clutching his shotgun to his chest, teeth chattering ad wishing for nothing more than a mug mead, the more alcoholic the better, to calm his nerves when he saw a faint glow far away from him. The man opened fire at a figure walking far away from him, and his eyes widened in terror when he saw a flaming skull.

He threw the shotgun to the ground and turned to run, when a flaming chain wrapped around his ankle. He didn't feel the heat, but started screaming, not caring that he will be punished by the females for speech, when he saw the hellfire.

Ghost Rider pulled his victim toward him and put his flaming face toward him for a Penance Stare. The frail, hairy man was beyond screaming now, and was paralyzed in fear.

Johnny Blase saw images of the man beaten severely for masturbation as a child, stung by bees using the same bee mask that he, the Ghost Rider, had misfortune to fall victim to, all for minor misdeeds. The flaming motorcyclist released his victim with a gasp, while the pathetic human drone got up completely unharmed and ran toward the forest.

"Oh, fuck. You cannot sin without power." Muttered the skeleton and went on to his business. He Penance Stared every lookout around the castle and let them go. The dawn was starting to glow, so he took his flaming bike, making sure to drive over the beehive field.

"Payback time, bitches."

The entire island was in chaos. Men and women were running around, their faces swollen from the billions of bee stings, while those in protective equipment couldn't see anything through the cloud of insects.

Johnny Blase wished that he had binoculars, although he didn't need them to see the chaos from far way. "Kill the drone, indeed."

"Who could have done such a thing!" one of Summersisle's handmaidens exclaimed rhetorically, nursing the bee sting victims inside the castle.

"See, mommy. Daddy said he will punish us for sacrificing him." Fern said before her mother could silence her.

"What did the child say?" asked the handmaiden and grabbed Fern. "We must tell Sister Summersisle!"

Willow grabbed for her daughter, but a crowd of people grabbed her, determined to separate the two.

Everything was silent inside Sister Summersisle's room. The servant girls were standing around the old woman's bed in ritual poses.

"You are the child of the latest sacrifice. They say your guilt over your father's sacrifice gave you nightmares, child. Is that true?" The girl just stared at the matriarch "ANSWER ME, CHILD!" she spat angrily.

The girl remained calm.

"It wasn't a dream. His burned skeleton visited me, and said that he will punish me for taking part in his sacrifice."

"So you say that if you haven't participated, Sister Rose wouldn't die, there would be no fires, and the bees would make honey?"

Fern stayed silent and only stared at the old woman.

"No! Please, Sister Summersisle!"Willow begged on her knees "The girl is making it up. Please don't kill my little Fern!"

"We cannot risk it. See those fires outside the window? See those bees flying? How can you say that it wasn't his doing? Obviously his spirit refuses to be part of the earth, because he is angry that his flesh and blood sacrificed him and wants to punish her, but also loves her so much that he wants her with him."

"But she's just a child. Sister Summersisle, let him take me instead. His anger will be sated, and Fern will go on with her duties, just like Rowan!"

"No. The male's spirit hates you, but will not leave us without Fern. You will both be sacrificed!"

"No! You cannot do this! How dare you do this to a young child!?" Willow lashed out at Sister Summersisle, but was restrained by the handmaidens.

"I cannot wait for Fern to mature, and your resistance stems from your loyalty to your offspring, not the girl's age." She pointed to the door "Take her away, and prepare another Wicker Man!"

Willow just slumped against the arms of the handmaidens dragging her away.

The mother spent the night in the dungeon, clutching the little girl to her chest and crying until she was too exhausted to make a single sound. When she finally fell asleep, she had terrible nightmares about Johnny Blase's face melting away and his skeleton growing before swallowing her.

In the morning, Willow and Fern had sacks placed over their heads and their hands bound. The march toward the place of execution took a long time, so much that to Willow, it felt like two days. When they arrived, she heard the noise of wood being moved, Sister Summersisle's screams at the pitiful, bearded men and their cries of pain from the beatings.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THE WICKER MAN IS HALF-FINISHED!? YOU WILL MAKE IT WITHIN THE HOUR, OR I WILL EXCECUTE YOU ALL BY SCAPHISM!i IN THE MIDDLE OF THE APIARYii!"

The slaves started working mush faster, but Willow could feel the sun's light fading.

"Place the sacrifices into the structure!"

The bags were taken off the heads of Willow and Fern, and they were raised up into the wooden structure. Sister Summersisle herself went towards the Wicker Man with a burning torch.

"BY THE POWER OF THE SUN! THE MOON! THE EARTH! THE SKY! THE NORTH WIND! THE EAST WIND! THE SOUTH WIND ! AND THE WEST WIND! I, WHO HOLD THE MORTAL FORM OF THE LAND WITHIN ME, GIVE THESE SACRIFICES TO THE SPIRIT OF JOHNNY BLASE! ACCEPT THESE WOMEN, AND LEAVE US BE!"

Said the ancient priestess, lowering her torch.

"You don't have to do that. I can promise to stop killing you without human sacrifices."

Said...Johnny Blase, looking as healthy as he was before his appointment with the Wicker man. For some reason, he placed a camera on a tripod right at the Wicker Man's feet.

" Oh,'Not the face, not the face!' 'Killing me won't bring back your fucking honey!' hahahaha" he said in a mocking tone "It's me you want, Summersisle. Release the girls."

"YOU WILL BE NEXT, MALE! YOUR DEATHS SHALL BRING US PROSPERITY!" she lowered the torch but Johnny beat her to it. He lit the Wicker Man on fire with his flaming chain and burst into a flaming skeleton that looked at the male slaves and...did his skull's eye socket just wink?

He created a wall of flame to separate the genders but letting the men get to Sister Summersisle while he dealt with the rest.

Ghost Rider wrapped his chain around Sister Beech and pulled her to him "You took a kick from both me and Edward Malus and only pretended to faint, Sister Bitch!"

The freakishly strong woman spit into Ghost Rider's eye (resulting in a sizzle) and he threw her, pulled her back with chain and shattered her skull with a punch, making brains cooked by his flaming fist fly everywhere. He then wrapped the chin around Sister Honey's ankles and stunned her by making her fall, head against ground and went to dislocate the knees of Summer's Isle female residents.

Finally, Ghost Rider trapped them in a circle of flame, ran past the men binding Sister Summersisle to the two screaming females trapped inside the burning statue. He whipped the chain around the Wicker Man.

He stood under the statue, his arms extended just in time to catch Willow and Fern in his arms.

"Say CHEESE!"

The camera flashed just in time to get a snapshot of him, his ex-wife and his daughter.

Fern sat next to the Summer's Isle men, sharing their fascination with the Penance Stare executions, but also with equal amount of fear. She was anxious to stare into the magical skull eye socket that cause penance for sins, but was afraid that a single conspiracy to murder will be enough sin to kill her.

Most girls writhed on the grass moaning (in pain, you perverts!). The two crazy old twins each returned the stare without discomfort, and turned to dust in a poof. Despite Willow's protests, Rowan took the stare, clutching her burned eyes and babbling like crazy, but alive. Sister Honey's face melted off, and she was barely alive (but no longer beautiful-or sane). He did so to every woman on the island, leaving a total of five little girls unharmed and a crowd catatonic.

Now it was Fern's turn. She walked purposefully into her father's flaming arms.

"Are you ready, sweetie?" asked the skeleton gently.

The trembling girl nodded and looked into her daddy's eye sockets.

Fern's eyes went wide and she started shaking, panting heavily and sweat running down her little forehead. The little girl's teeth chattered and she was hyperventilating even more. She finally shrieked and slumped against Ghost Rider's chest.

"Fern!" Willow screamed and ran toward the pair. She grabbed the little girl "Speak to me!"

"Daddy hurts like a sacrifice every day, mommy ." The girl was breathing shallowly and barely conscious."

"I'll be taking her with me." said the Ghost Rider, sitting down on his motorcycle with the girl in one arm. "You are free to go, Willow."

"What? You killed my only family, destroyed my home and took my daughter! You must take me with you."

"You should be grateful that I spared you from the Penance Stare-the guilt of Edward Malus and countless others deaths weighs upon your shoulder. I will ask Doctor Stephen  
Strange to use real magic instead of your superstitions to make the community prosper, along with Reed Richards' and Tony Stark's technology, while you take Sister Summersisle's place." He looked over his shoulder "If you as much as plan for a sacrifice, I will kill you myself."

And with these words, the Ghost Rider's ride picked up speed to drive on the water's surface, the wheels barely touching the water through a film of steam.

Omake:

The slaves started working mush faster, but Willow could feel the sun's light fading.

"Place the sacrifices into the structure!"

The bags were taken off the heads of Willow and Fern, and they were raised up into the wooden structure. Sister Summersisle herself went towards the Wicker Man with a burning torch.

"BY THE POWER OF THE SUN! THE MOON! THE EARTH! THE SKY! THE NORTH WIND! THE EAST WIND! THE SOUTH WIND ! AND THE WEST WIND! I, WHO HOLD THE MORTAL FORM OF THE LAND WITHIN ME, GIVE THESE SACRIFICES TO THE SPIRIT OF JOHNNY BLASE! ACCEPT THESE WOMEN, AND LEAVE US BE!"

Said the ancient priestess, lowering her torch.

"NO! WAIT!" Johnny Blase was running towards the ritual ground "Don't kill them! Sacrifice me instead!"

"What?" said Sister Summersisle in surprise, but calmed down "If you say so. Release the previous sacrifices and bind Mister Blase! No bee torture this time."

"That's okay." Said Johnny Blase before climbing into the Wicker Man, but then he lunged at the bee-obsessed matron "GOTCHA!"

Everyone gasped. Johnny Blase was holding Sister Summersisle's mask.

"Get the human bzzt bzzt, my children!" Said the humanoid bee matron.

Omake 2:

Johnny Blase lay in a hammock, listening to the wonderful music of buzzing bees biting bitches and drinking stolen mead. Even though he never bothered reading on Wikipedia that smoke calms bees by masking their pheromones, it didn't matter. The fact that it was supernatural hellfire and the fact that there was more fire burning their homes than smoke, and oh yeah. Matriarchal priestesses of a pagan religion running around, knocking the bee hives over.

"Wow, John. When you said it will be fun, I thought you meant, you know, fighting villains by your side." Said Drizzt Do'Urden (Drizzt Durden on his driver's license) adjusting his sunglasses "But killing these matriarchal priestesses, compared to regular ass kicking is, totally like comparing a $20 000 dollar bottle of wine to Kool-aid, man. They make Lolth worshippers back from my birthplace Menzoberranzan look like Girl Scouts. Speaking of drinks, this mead is great, dude! I can't wait to bring a sample for Bruenor at his repair shop."

"Too bad that I have to destroy such marvels." Said Johnny Blase sadly.

"No, don't! I have an idea!" the dark elf leaned in "You don't have to. Just use your Penance Stare on everyone and make the survivors look after the bees. Using real magic instead of that charlatan Sister Summersisle's hocus-pocus rituals, mixed with Iron Man's and Mister Fantastic's technology."

Johnny Blase just stared at the drow, mouth open. "Oh my god! You're a genius, Drizzt! How can I ever repay you?"

"Now that I think about it, you can. I can use a small part of this island as training area for my fight club's firearms and explosives training,( of which I've broken the first two rules right about now,)and we can keep this a secret from Bruenor, and use this drink to pay him for modifications to out motorcycles."

Mead shot out of Johnny's nose and he fell off his hammock.

"What's wrong, John? This idea isn't as shocking as my last one."

"Be careful Drizzt, or the old dwarf will make our bikes sentient and install flux capacitors into them, and that's in the best case. In the worst, he will install bathrooms into them."

Omake 3:

Just like Edward Malus, Johnny Blase was caught while in bear costume. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck. It's still daylight, so I can't transform yet or use the Penance Stare. They might actually kill me! I don't want to face the Mephistopheles fag. There's only one kind supernatural being that I can summon now."

Thought Johhny Blase as the women were pulling the bear suit from him.

"Not so fast, you uncaring hags!" said Johnny's saviors, stepping up dramatically.

"Oh no! It's the Care Bears!" said Sister Summersisle "Spread out and use the shotguns! If they Stare you, you're dead!"

"I wish that I could help you, little guys. But my Stare only works at night." said Johnny Blase sadly.

"You can do it." said the old Grandma Bear, pulling out a blank tummy symbol and putting it on the bear suit's tummy and went to duel her rival, Sister summersisle. "You can today...Ghost Rider Bear!"

The tummy symbol switched to an elongated bear skull covered in flames and superimposed over a motorcycle wheel, with a heart on the background."

"Ready guys?"asked Johnny Blase, looking at his friends.

"Do the honors, Ghost Rider Bear."

"Gladly!Care Bear Countdown T-minus...five...four...three...two...ONE!"

Ghost Rider Bear's Penance Care Bear Stare was as big as all of the other stares combined and black with red with lightning and skull images, and causing only as much pain as a single regular Care Bear Stare...like being anally raped by a horse while having your limbs pricked with one million of pins and dunked into four bathtubs of Everclear, pickle juice, urine and Gatorade.

"Oh no!" Ghost Rider Bear fell on his knees next to Willow's charred corpse "I killed her with my new attack!"  
"No daddy." said Fern, pointing to the three meter wide three hundred meter long ditch extending from a pair of Ghost Rider's footprints, missing Willow by one foot. "The regular Care Bear Stares did."

"No! I will never stop loving her! No, unless time erases her memory from my heart and heals the emotional wounds over my soul!" Ghost Rider Bear sobbed.

"Oh well. That was fast." he kicked his ex-wife's corpse "I wonder if this bear costume transforms with me, like my leather outfit and motorcycle did?"

Some time later:

"This is in just now. A mass surrender of supervillains of all tiers of ability and a mass revealing of their secret identity, the greatest one since Tony Stark's aka Iron Man's Civil War movement. An interview reveals surprising insight into one of the supervillain's motivations."

"The new Ghost Rider is a bear! A goddamn bear, twice the size of this news van, muscle still clinging to his flaming skull and the flesh hissing nonstop and a tongue the size of a human being, shooting steam from its openings grasping everything with its boiling surface! That bear rode an enormous motorcycle enveloped in a black cloud shooting lightning everywhere. And worst of all...a little girl was riding on his shoulder."

"What kind of girl, Doctor Doom? Creepy? Emotionless?"

"DON'T SAY IT! Never say anything bad about the Ghost Rider's human daughter, or an eternity in hell will be a vacation comapred to the DOOM he promised on to me, DOCTOR DOOM, who will be sharing his great genius from inside a padded cell on a regimen on benzodiazepine psychiatric medication! Do you hear me, Richards? You will grant me asylum and psychiatric counseling in exchange for my shared knowledge, or I commit suicide to escape the nightmares involving Ghost Rider, taking my knowledge with me!"

"Every super villain interviewed showed similar opinions in their interview. Reed Richards voiced a belief that in the next ten years, the Ghost Rider will create a worldwide utopia by virtue of being terrifying as hell."

John Blase was lounging in a chair, eating jelly beans next to a raven nesting in a basket full of soft wool socks. Eric Draven (The Crow) and Frank Castle (The Punisher) were busy polishing the motorcycles.

"Caw!"

"Your feathered guide told you to work faster, Draven. You too, Castle. My dead father could wax faster than you, during chemotherapy. Wax on, wax off, guys. It's good training-Miyagi beat Banner as soon as he became the second Hulk!"

"With pleasure, sir."

"Exchanging favours is what friends do, Mr Blase."

John turned to the raven "Castle and your friend Draven really like Penance Stare sessions, if not addicted. I can't believe they actually agreed to do my housework for a chance to suffer for their own sins."

"Caw!"

"Well, yes. Those two are consumed by rage, but not guilt, I understand. They would rather feel their enemies pain, just to remember every enemy slain by name. I just don't understand one thing: I Stared a little girl that killed one man, and her eyes burned out. These two killed hell knows how many, and there's not a scratch on either."

"Caw caw!"

"I've spent years as a Ghost Rider, and I didn't know that intent and guilt play such a role. They actually enjoy falling under Penance Stare because the intent behind their ripping thugs a new one was to benefit the victims, alive and dead. But a single ill-intentioned act causes injury."

"Caw Caw!"

"I agree. You are very wise, but your protégé said that your Penance Stare either only capable of causing sadness and guilt to motivate him, or that you refuse to grant him flashbacks of revenge."

"Caw Caw!"

"You don't have any Penance Stare?"

The bird shook its head. "Caw!"

"You're right. Eric is too Emo."  
Said John Blase, much to the bird's laughter.

i Look it up on Wikipedia. You'll be pleasantly surprised.

ii Look this up, too. The two terms go well together.


End file.
